Everyone seemed to want to adopt four-year-old Josie—until the families learned that adoption meant taking in her sixteen-year-old brother as well. We said yes to both of them. A month later, her former foster mother called and asked me a single question that changed everything: “They still haven’t told you why they chose you?”
For illustrative purposes only.
My husband and I had tried for five years to have a child before we finally stopped hoping that I would get pregnant.
It wasn’t that we longed for a family any less. That desire was just as strong as at the beginning. But after years full of doctor’s appointments, tests, medications, and constant disappointments, we were exhausted.
At some point, we felt that our whole life consisted of nothing but waiting: for appointments, for results, for the next treatment, and for news, which we hoped would be different this time.
One evening, after another unsuccessful appointment, Daniel sat next to me on the kitchen floor while I cried.
We had finally given up hope of becoming parents this way.
Daniel didn’t say anything for a long time. Then he looked at me and spoke very quietly.
“We still have room,” he said. “We could adopt.”
This sentence didn’t resolve our disappointment. But it changed the direction we were looking in.
Eight months later we met Josie.
She was four years old, had brown curls, huge dark eyes and a smile that always appeared slowly on her face, as if she had to make sure beforehand whether she was allowed to smile at all.
When we entered the family room of the adoption agency, she was sitting at a small table, intently coloring a purple dog.
At least Daniel thought it was a dog.
« That’s a beautiful dog, » he said.
Josie looked up.
« That’s a wolf. »
Daniel nodded gravely, as if he had just made a serious mistake.
« Then that’s an excellent wolf. »
She studied him for about three seconds.
Then she laughed.
And I loved her instantly.
I know that one isn’t really supposed to talk about adoptions like that. We were explicitly told not to go into a first meeting with the expectation that some kind of magical connection had to form immediately.
We should not have expectations of a child who did not know us and whose life had begun long before we met.
Nevertheless, something happened inside me when I looked at Josie. It wasn’t a rational thought or a decision I could explain.
It just felt like something had shifted.
Then our responsible employee, Rebecca, asked Daniel and me to speak with her briefly alone.
There was something we needed to understand.
Josie had an older brother.
His name was Jace.
He was sixteen.
“The two belong together as siblings,” Rebecca explained. “They must be rehomed together.”
Daniel looked at me.
I asked, « Where is he? »
« Down the hallway. »
I frowned.
« Why wasn’t he at our meeting then? »
Rebecca hesitated.
That brief hesitation told me almost more than the answer that followed.
“Several families have shown interest in Josie,” she said finally. “When they learned that Jace was also part of the adoption process, they reconsidered their decision.”
I suddenly felt a strange sense of shame for people I didn’t know at all.
« Because he’s sixteen? »
Rebecca nodded slightly.
« Recruiting young people is more difficult. »
Daniel crossed his arms.
« Does he have behavioral problems? »
« No more than I would expect from a young person who has experienced significant instability. »
It was a carefully worded answer.
Rebecca folded her hands on the table.
« Jace knows why the previous families changed their minds. »
« And he expects us to change our minds too? » I asked.
Rebecca did not reply immediately.
Then she said, « I think Jace expects adults to prove that they mean what they say. »
That sentence stuck in my mind.
A few minutes later, Jace came in.
He was tall and thin, and despite the warm room, he was wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt. His hair fell over his forehead.
When Rebecca introduced us, he nodded once.
He didn’t smile.
Josie, on the other hand, immediately jumped up and ran to him.
We spent almost two hours together.
Josie talked enough for everyone present. She told stories, pointed things out, and asked questions, while Jace mostly answered with one or two words.
Daniel eventually asked him if he did any sports.
« Sometimes basketball. »
« Which position? »
Jace shrugged.
„Guard.“
Daniel nodded.
« I also played guard in school. »
For the first time, Jace really looked at him.
Josie also looked up.
At the time, I thought she was simply listening to their conversation.
Jace raised his eyebrows.
« You played guard? »
Daniel laughed.
« I was faster before my knees decided to turn eighty. »
Jace smiled slightly.
It wasn’t a big sign. But after all the brief answers, it immediately caught my attention.
Later, Rebecca mentioned that we could meet for dinner on another visit. I asked Josie what she liked to eat.
„Mac and Cheese.“
« Naturally. »
Then I turned to Jace.
« And what about you? »
He seemed surprised.
« With me? »
« Unless you want to live off everything Josie leaves behind. »
He looked at his sister.
Josie was already watching us.
“I eat everything,” she declared proudly. “You won’t have any leftovers.”
It was a completely ordinary moment.
Perhaps that was precisely why he felt so important.
A few weeks later, Rebecca called and told us that the mediation was progressing.
We took both children in.
Not just Josie.
Not Josie, and as a necessary addition, her brother.
Both.
Josie cried on the first night.
Then in the second one.
And again in the fourth.
Sometimes she would wake up screaming and calling for Jace. Before Daniel or I had even gotten out of bed, he was already standing in her doorway.
“I’m here,” he said then. “Everything is fine.”
He never mentioned that Daniel and I were there too.
I noticed that.
I tried not to take it personally.
After all, we were new to Josie. Jace wasn’t.
He was the person who had already been a part of her life before she even knew who we were.
One morning, however, Josie woke up before him and wandered into our bedroom instead.
Without asking, she climbed between Daniel and me and immediately fell asleep again.
When Jace found her there, he stopped in the doorway.
Normally, I would have expected him to call for her immediately or bring her back.
But this time he did nothing.
He stood there for only a moment, saw her lying between us, and then quietly walked away again.
Jace himself was much harder to understand.
He was polite.
Almost painfully polite.
He never asked for anything. He ate whatever I cooked, never complained about anything, and kept his room tidy in a way that seemed almost unnatural for a sixteen-year-old.
After about a week, I understood the reason.
He hadn’t unpacked his things at all.
His clothes were still in two travel bags.
His books remained in his backpack.
His shoes were neatly arranged next to his suitcase.
« You know you can use the chest of drawers, » I said one afternoon. « And the wardrobe. »
„Okay.“
But he did nothing.
I wanted to ask him why.
Instead, I decided against it.
Something told me that pressure wouldn’t make him open the bags.
It was more likely that he would only close them even tighter.
From that day on, I never brought up the subject again.
Nevertheless, I found myself checking every few days.
The bags didn’t move.
At the same time, the rest of our house slowly began to bear traces of Jace.
A basketball was lying by the back door.
The muesli he ate was in the pantry.
His charger permanently occupied a power outlet in the kitchen.
All these little things made it seem as if he increasingly belonged here.
Only his bedroom still looked as if he could leave at any time.
A month passed.
Josie started calling our house « home ».
Jace stopped addressing Daniel and me in an overly formal manner.
One evening, during dinner, Daniel made a terribly bad joke about pasta.
Jace laughed so hard that milk came out of his nose.
Josie squealed with excitement.
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
For a few minutes, nobody was careful.
Nobody observed the atmosphere in the room.
Nobody seemed to be waiting for the next problem.
Then Jace reached across the table and took a piece of garlic bread from Daniel’s plate.
Daniel playfully swiped at his hand.
« Take your own. »
Jace grinned and took it anyway.
It was a completely silly, everyday thing.
But for me, it was the first time I saw Jace act as if he took it for granted that he would still be here tomorrow.
I still remember sitting at the table, looking at the three of them and thinking: That’s it.
The next afternoon my phone rang.
It was Marlene, the foster mother with whom Jace and Josie had lived before us.
She had already called once to ask how the two were settling in.
I want you.
She sounded genuinely pleased when I told her that Josie was now attending preschool and Jace was participating in an afternoon basketball program.
« He laughs more, » I said. « Not constantly, but much more often. »
« That’s good. »
« And Josie now sleeps through most nights. »
„Gut.“
Then I told her that Jace had cooked with Daniel the evening before.
Marlene fell silent.
« He actually cooked with Daniel? » she asked.
Something about her voice bothered me.
« Yes why? »
« Oh, nothing, » she said much too quickly.
Then there was a pause.
Not an ordinary pause in conversation.
Something had changed.
« Marlene? Is something wrong? »
« No. I just thought… They still haven’t told you why they chose you? »
At first I smiled because I was convinced I had misunderstood her.
« Why did they do what they did? »
« Chosen you. »
My smile disappeared.
« What are you talking about? »
Marlene hesitated.
« That’s what I thought. You need to ask Rebecca why they chose your family. »
Before I could ask any further questions, she apologized and ended the conversation.
I was standing in our kitchen with the phone in my hand.
They had chosen us.
Throughout the entire adoption process, I had thought that Daniel and I would be assessed to determine if we would be suitable parents.
Apparently, the children had also tested us.
And for some reason, I immediately thought of Jace.
To his packed bags.
To his cautious answers.
The way he always looked for Josie first whenever anything unusual happened.
When Daniel came home, I told him about Marlene’s phone call.
« You chose us? » he asked.
« Apparently. »
We called Rebecca.
After a short pause, she said, « I thought Jace had told you. »
“Tell us something?”
« After your first meeting, I asked them both how they felt about you. Jace then came to me and said that they wanted your family. »
I looked at Daniel.
Jace barely spoke during our first meeting.
Up until that moment, I had simply assumed that this was his way of being.
Now I wondered how much he had observed back then, while we thought he was hardly participating in the conversation.
« He specifically asked for us? »
“Yes,” said Rebecca. “But if you want to know why, you should ask him yourself.”
After we hung up, I thought again about the two travel bags in Jace’s room.
He had asked to come and visit our family.
Why then did he spend every day for the past month as if he had to leave at any moment?
That evening I almost considered not bringing it up with him at all.
Then I saw his suitcase again.
What concerned me was not that Jace had kept something from us.
The contradiction intrigued me.
He had apparently asked to come here himself, and yet he spent every day preparing for the moment when we might send him away again.
These two things didn’t seem to fit together.
Not yet.
I wanted to understand what was behind it.
After Josie finished dinner, she climbed onto the sofa with a coloring book.
Jace was standing at the sink washing his plate when Daniel said, « Hey, can we talk for a minute? »
Jace froze.
It was only a tiny change in his posture.
But I saw her.
After all this time, his whole body instantly prepared for bad news.
« About what? »
« Nothing bad. »
His gaze immediately turned to Josie.
I hated how quickly he looked for her.
We sat down at the table.
I told him that Marlene had called.
His face changed instantly.
„Oh.“
“She said something strange,” I explained. “She asked if you ever told us why you chose us.”
Jace looked at the table.
« Rebecca told us that you were the one who told her you wanted to join our family. »
“Yes.”
« Would you tell us why? »
He glanced towards the living room, where Josie was sitting with her coloring book.
Then he said, « Because Josie chose you. »
Of all the answers I had imagined, this was none.
« Because Josie chose us? »
The person who barely reached my hips had apparently made the biggest decision in the entire room.
“Josie? But she’s four.”
Jace ran his thumb along the edge of the table.
« Exactly. Nobody listens to her about important things because she’s small. »
He spoke calmly, but not casually.
« People ask her which toy she wants or what color her cup should be. But when it comes to something really important, adults decide for her. »
He looked back at his sister.
« So when Josie told me she wanted you, I made sure Rebecca listened to her. »
Suddenly, that sounded exactly like Jace.
He had hardly asked for anything for himself for an entire month.
But when Josie wanted something, he made sure that an adult took her seriously.
Apparently, Josie had heard her name, because she lifted her head.
„Was?“
Jace beckoned them over to us.
She came running up and pushed her way between us.
“Jace says you chose us,” I said.
Josie nodded as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
« Why? »
She pointed at her brother.
« You spoke with him. »
I almost smiled.
« That’s all? »
Josie grimaced as if I had missed something perfectly obvious.
“Everyone talks to me,” she said. “They play with me and give me snacks. But they don’t talk WITH Jace. They talk ABOUT him.”
Jace stared at the table.
« What do they say? » I asked.
« They ask if he is evil. If he gets angry. If he can live somewhere else. »
Jace tensed his jaw.
Josie continued.
« A woman said she wanted me, but her house was too small for Jace. »
Jace spoke softly.
« After that, Josie didn’t want to talk to her anymore. »
Josie shrugged.
« She didn’t want my brother. »
There was nothing uncertain in her voice.
For her, the matter was perfectly clear.
Josie leaned against her brother.
« After that, I didn’t care whether people were nice to me. »
Daniel swallowed.
« What did you pay attention to then? »
« Whether they were nice to him. »
She looked at me.
« You asked him what he wanted for dinner. »
Then she turned to Daniel.
« And you talked to him about basketball. »
Suddenly I remembered the look on Jace’s face when I asked him what he would like to eat.
He seemed surprised.
At the time, I didn’t understand why such an ordinary question had been unusual for him.
And I remembered how Josie had been watching us during that conversation.
She hadn’t just sat there bored while the adults talked.
She had paid attention to how we treated her brother.
Josie put both arms around Jace’s waist.
“Everyone wanted me,” she said.
Then she looked up at us.
« But I only wanted someone who wanted him just as much. »
For a moment, nobody said anything.
What could one possibly reply to that?
I looked at Jace.
Despite everything, there was still one thing I didn’t understand.
« If Josie chose us and you told Rebecca that you wanted to come to us… why haven’t you unpacked your things? »
Jace fell completely silent.
Then he said: « Because people change their minds. »
Daniel bent forward.
“We did not want to change our minds.”
Jace looked at him.
« Now you know that. »
Daniel fell silent.
Jace lowered his gaze again.
“At first, people always want her,” he said. “Sometimes they think they can get along with me too. Then at some point they get tired of me being there.”
My throat tightened.
« So you thought you’d just wait? »
“Yes.”
« For what? »
For the first time, he looked directly at me.
« To the moment you decide that you no longer want me. »
The worst part was how calmly he said it.
He didn’t sound angry.
He didn’t blame us.
He was simply describing something he had prepared for.
And suddenly, the packed bags in his room no longer looked like a plan to escape.
They looked like armor.
Like something to protect him from getting too comfortable before someone decided again that he couldn’t stay.
I wanted to promise him immediately that we would never change our minds.
But I felt that Jace had already heard enough promises from adults.
Words alone would not change anything.
So I just nodded towards the hallway.
« Do you know the chest of drawers in your room? »
Jace looked at me.
“Yes.”
« I bought it because someone lives there. The wardrobe too. »
His mouth became a thin line.
I continued speaking.
« But I understand now. When you’re ready, you can unpack. »
He did not answer.
The next morning, the bags were still in the same place as before.
The same thing happened the following morning.
I finally forced myself not to look anymore.
Because if the unpacking was to have any meaning, it had to be his decision.
Not mine.
Not Daniel’s.
And it mustn’t become yet another test that Jace had to pass.
A week later, I walked past his open bedroom door and stopped.
The travel bags were empty.
One of them was folded up and stored in the wardrobe.
His books were on the shelf.
His shoes were scattered under the bed.
A hoodie hung half-heartedly over his chair.
To anyone else, the room would probably have just looked like the chaotic room of a teenager.
To me, it looked like an answer.
Jace appeared behind me, holding a bowl of cereal.
„Was?“
I turned to him.
« You’ve unpacked. »
His ears turned red.
« Don’t make it weird now. »
« I won’t do that. »
He looked me over.
« You look like you’re about to cry. »
I wiped my cheek.
« Go eat your muesli. »
He smiled and went downstairs.
For illustrative purposes only.
What had changed that morning
Outwardly, nothing spectacular had happened.
There had been no big conversation, no solemn declaration, and no dramatic moment in which Jace announced that he now finally trusted us.
He had simply taken his clothes out of two travel bags, placed books on a shelf, and no longer positioned his shoes as if they needed to be taken along again at any time.
But that’s precisely why this sight meant so much.
During his first month with us, Jace had increasingly participated in our daily life, but consciously kept a part of himself ready.
He ate with us, laughed with us, played basketball, and cooked with Daniel. At the same time, his most important personal belongings remained packed.
His everyday life said: « I am here. »
His pockets seemed to say, « But perhaps not for long. »
The fact that they were now empty did not mean that all uncertainty had disappeared. Nor did it mean that a single evening had undone everything Jace had experienced.
But he had decided to take a small step.
And nobody had pressured him to do it.
Why Josie’s decision meant so much
It was only through our conversation that I understood that our first meeting had been completely different for Josie than it was for us.
Daniel and I had wondered whether we made a good impression, whether the children felt comfortable with us, and whether we were even ready to suddenly become parents of a four-year-old child and a sixteen-year-old teenager.
Meanwhile, Josie had been paying attention to something much simpler.
She wanted to know if we had seen Jace.
Not as a problem associated with their adoption.
Not as a difficult teenager about whom adults asked questions.
Not as someone for whom another solution could potentially be found.
But as her brother.
As independent individuals with their own preferences, interests, and a place at the table.
For this reason, two seemingly ordinary situations had been crucial for her:
- I had asked Jace what he would like to eat for dinner.
- Daniel had talked to him about basketball, instead of talking about him.
For us, these were everyday questions.
Apparently not for Josie.
She had already experienced adults paying attention to her while simultaneously discussing whether her brother should be allowed to be part of the same family.
Therefore, it was no longer enough for her that someone was friendly to her.
She wanted to know if the same kindness was extended to Jace.
The packed bags were not a rejection
At first, I didn’t understand Jace’s unopened bags.
Part of me wondered whether he didn’t want to be here or whether he inwardly refused to consider our house his home.
After our conversation, I saw those same bags in a completely different light.
They were not a message to us.
They were a precaution for his own protection.
As long as everything remained packed, he didn’t have to completely rely on being allowed to stay.
If someone changed their mind, at least this part would have been easy: zip up, grab the bag and go.
Therefore, it would have been wrong to force him to unpack.
A full chest of drawers would have proven nothing if he had only used it because we demanded it of him.
What mattered was not where his clothes were.
The crucial factor was when he himself was ready to put them there.
A home is often created in small moments.
When I think back to those first few weeks, it wasn’t the big conversations that made me realize how our family was slowly growing together.
It was the small changes.
Josie, who one morning didn’t call for Jace, but climbed into bed between Daniel and me.
Jace, who at some point stopped speaking to us in an overly polite manner.
His basketball by the back door.
His muesli in the pantry.
His charger is in the kitchen.
The stolen garlic toast from Daniel’s plate.
The laughter at dinner.
And finally, a haphazardly hung hoodie over a chair.
From the outside, these were completely unspectacular things.
That was precisely where their significance lay.
Jace didn’t need to explain that he was slowly feeling more confident.
His everyday life began to show it.
What Josie had understood from the beginning
Josie was only four years old, but at our first meeting she recognized something that we adults initially did not understand.
She didn’t just want to go anywhere where people liked her.
She wanted to go where her brother was also welcome.
For her, these two things were inextricably linked.
When she said, « Everyone wanted me, » there was no hint of joy in her voice at being especially desired.
Rather, it explained why she had eventually stopped being impressed by attention.
Kindness alone was not enough for her.
She observed how people treated Jace.
And in the end, that was exactly the reason why she chose us.
The moment that changed everything for me
On the day of our first meeting, I thought I was watching Josie.
Later I understood that she had been watching us the whole time.
She noticed Daniel’s conversation with Jace about basketball.
She noticed my question about his dinner.
She noticed that we were addressing him directly.
And Jace took her decision seriously enough to ensure that Rebecca took it seriously as well.
That was perhaps the clearest picture of their relationship.
Josie decided who she wanted to trust.
Jace made sure her voice was heard.
And yet he remained cautious enough to leave his bags packed for another month.
A silent sign of trust
So when I finally stood in front of his room and saw the empty travel bags, I knew I couldn’t make a big scene out of it.
Jace didn’t need applause for that.
He didn’t need an adult to turn the moment into something celebratory.
Perhaps his « Don’t make it weird now » was exactly his way of saying that he understood what this step meant, without wanting to talk about it.
So I let him go downstairs with his muesli.
But after he had disappeared, I looked into the room again.
The books on the shelf.
The shoes are under the bed.
The badly hung hoodie.
And the folded travel bag in the closet.
For the first time since his arrival, there was no longer a packed bag in Jace’s room, waiting for the moment when someone would change their mind.
The room was finally no longer prepared for a possible departure.
It simply looked as if a sixteen-year-old boy lived there.
And that’s exactly what I had wanted all along.